Death is a weird thing. To think that we exist in this world in this time, and that at one point we no longer will often confuses me.
Yesterday one of my friends, Kyle, died. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this. Sadness, yes, but what else. I’ve never experienced death like this before. All the other times that someone I knew died it was expected. Rather it be from old age or disease, their time was about due. But not Kyle, his death was completely unexpected. He was only 17 and still in high school. He was healthy and showed no signs of dying soon, but yet he was riding his bike yesterday home from church, struck a parked car, fell on his head and suffered severe brain injury, resulting in death.
It’s over. There is nothing to be done to bring him back. That’s it, his book is closed. But I don’t like that. I don’t like that once someone dies that is it for them. As if death ends one’s life here on this earth. As long as someone is around to keep the memory of you alive, you fully exist. But on the other hand I see how it is unhealthy to cling to thoughts too tightly.
What do I do? What does his family do? Move on I guess. It feels weird thinking that his family will have to laugh again, that they will have to love life again. To think that this horrible accident will one day not have to be the first thought they have in the morning.
For me, I always feel pains of guilt when I have a good laugh or wear a smile immediately after someone I loved dies. It’s as if mourning is the only “good” way of remembering someone. Like if I’m not crying for at least two days I didn’t truly love them. I put these expectations on myself, but I really don’t want them for others.
I know that when I die, regardless of how old I am, I want people to smile when they think of me. If people aren’t laughing at my funeral, I’m going to be pissed. I want to leave people with good memories to help them when times are dark. And when I think back to my relationship with Kyle, I can’t remember a time when he ever said anything unkind about me or didn’t try to brighten my day. He left me with good memories, but right now it’s hard to smile when I think of them.
I figure in three weeks everything will have found its place and my life can start to go back to normal. There will always be a piece missing, but life will go one. One day I too will have the pleasure of dying and leaving this world behind much like Kyle did. And on that day all will be right with my life. The missing pieces will be put back together.
I think Gandalf said it best,
“No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.”
Thanks Kyle for all that you’ve done, I’ll always remember you.